What Empathy Isn’t

Before we look at what empathy is, let’s look at what it’s not. Here are a few examples of non-empathic responses:

 While these responses aren’t necessarily wrong or bad, they are not expressions of empathy. They reflect an intellectual response rather than an empathic response and often distract the individual who is in pain from what is alive in them.

At the same time, the person saying these makes the situation about them, not about the person in pain.

What Empathy Is

These examples come from Marshall Rosenberg’s seminal work, Nonviolent Communication, in which he describes empathy this way: “When we are thinking about people’s words, listening to how they connect to our theories, we are looking at people—we are not with them … The key ingredient of empathy is presence: we are wholly present with the other party and what they are experiencing.”

As a presence, having empathy doesn’t mean we feel what they feel. It means that we show up fully present to what they feel and need without judgment or suggestions for fixing. Showing up fully is showing up silently, holding a safe space for another to explore what is alive in them.

If we use words, they will be in the form of questions. Because we cannot know what another feels or needs, we can only guess them, so we would ask, “Are you feeling frustrated? Do you need to be understood?” In this way, empathy is a very specific way of using feelings and needs, helping to draw the person out of their heads and into their hearts so they can show up whole.

For example, if someone says, “My job is horrible,” we might guess what their feelings are by asking, “Do you feel hopeless?” After asking the question, we wait, offering them a quiet space to explore their feelings to see if they’re feeling hopeless. It may be that they say “yes,” in which case they are beginning to move out of their heads and into their hearts, exploring rather than explaining.

Often, explaining sounds like this: “My job is horrible. Every day, I go into work and wish I were somewhere else. This isn’t the first time I have had this experience. It is as if all the jobs I have ever had were awful. I remember one I had years ago…”. They might go on and on, explaining their jobs but never connecting to what is alive in them about their jobs. When someone guesses what they feel, it interrupts that discourse and enables them to explore more deeply what is alive in them.

If they do feel hopeless, then we can help them connect their hopelessness to a need because feelings and needs are deeply connected. Feelings tell us if we are meeting our needs or not. Our identified needs often hold implicit strategies for fulfilling them. Feelings and needs are deeply connected, and once a need is clarified, it is often found to hold an implicit strategy for meeting that need. To connect them to a need, we might guess, “Do you have a need for stimulation?” Again, we wait, offering a quiet space for exploration. When they see their unmet needs, they begin to deepen their connection to themselves and gain a clarity they did not have before.

If they go back into explanation—that is, go back into their heads—then we can guide them out of their heads by continuing to guess what their feelings and needs are. Often, when they connect deeply to what is alive in them, one of two things happen: either they get very quiet, or they sigh. It is as if the sighing is a literal, physical release from the feelings they had held without realizing they were holding them.

To be clear, offering empathy is not about asking 21 questions, one right after another. It is a matter of listening for the person’s responses to see if our guesses can help them connect to their feelings and needs. It’s not even important if we are accurate when guessing their feelings or needs. What's important is that our guess helps to connect them to whatever they are feeling or needing.

For example, if I were to ask, “Are you feeling hopeless?” and they answer, “Yes,” then I have done beautiful work because they are now connected to their feelings. If, however, they say, “No, I am feeling frustrated,” then I have still done beautiful work, because I have helped to connect them with what they are feeling.

What’s Alive in Them? Or in You?

Empathy is not always a neat linear process. Individuals receiving empathy do not necessarily go from A to B to C. They may well go from A to Z to Q, but in the process, they are working out what is alive in them. Holding a safe presence for them to do so is a gift and a healing. When they discover for themselves what is alive in them, the experience becomes more powerful and meaningful for them.

Not only can we offer empathy to others, we can also offer empathy to ourselves. In Speak Peace in a World of Conflict, Rosenberg offers a series of questions that we can answer on our own when others are unavailable to offer empathy to us:

• What judgment do I make of myself when I’ve done something I wish I hadn’t done?
• What need of mine was not met by my behavior?
• How do I feel?
• What need of mine was met by my behavior?

Further, we can ask ourselves:

• With these needs in mind, how could I have met all my needs?
• What did I learn from this?

“When people can practice self-empathy, they are much better able to learn from their limitations without losing self-respect—without feeling guilty or depressed,” Marshall noted. It is in this way, he wrote, that “we learn to create peace within ourselves and contribute to creating a world of peace for others.” ❧

Clarice L. Belcher first learned of Marshall Rosenberg’s seminal work, Nonviolent Communication, in 2001. She currently offers workshops and practice groups on the topic. Contact her at [email protected] or visit AtlantaCompassion.com.

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Clarice Belcher's Journey with Marshall Rosenberg

As a young newspaper reporter in Newport News, Virginia, Clarice Belcher discovered a career that utilized her English major yet sparked her interest in psychology. Read More »