One of the biggest obstacles I’ve overcome in my life was my habit of searching for my worth in what others thought of me.

For most of my life, I relied on other people to help me feel good about myself by complimenting my appearance or praising my accomplishments. But it wouldn’t take long for my spirits to fall again, and then I’d need more people to notice me so I could feel better.

In my late 30s, I realized I wasn’t happy, and the cycle of needing others to help me feel worthy wasn’t getting me anywhere. I started meditating with the intention of getting clarity on my next steps to improve my life. I thought I wanted to start fresh in a few areas of my life; maybe I should find a new job or maybe move somewhere else. But what came to me instead was to focus on loving myself.

Initially, it felt like a waste of time. I had a very busy life, and loving myself was not a priority. I understand now that the part of me that rejected the idea of loving myself wasn’t “me” at all. It was my fear and conditioned belief systems that kept me in the cycle, believing my worth was earned.

Loving myself meant getting out of my head and letting my heart lead. I am limited when I let my head lead—it can only draw from my past experiences to determine what is possible for me. Allowing my heart to guide me took learning to trust myself by addressing the source of my fears.

I minimized distractions—the radio, TV and internet—and I sat in stillness to acknowledge my feelings and hear my heart. In that space, my heart guided me through my intuition, and I felt an inner knowing about whatever action was in my best interest to take. When I let my heart decide, I felt inspired and lighter.

Through my practice of self-love, I learned about energy. I learned that the world mirrors how I feel about myself. I learned that when I needed others to like me, I attracted people who needed others to like them, too. Those who noticed me weren’t just people I wanted to notice me; I received a lot of unwanted attention.

Then, it didn’t feel good anymore. I didn’t want people to like me for the way I looked anymore. I also learned that the people who tell me I’m not enough no matter what I achieve or how I look are my teachers. They’re showing me I’ll never be enough if I place my worth outside of myself. When I love myself entirely, I never need anyone to like me or approve of me.

One night in meditation, it came to me to jot down three things I love about myself. I sat with it for a while, and I realized it didn’t make sense to write down anything that was fleeting. I could say I love something about my physical appearance, such as my smile, but in truth I love myself the same when I’m frowning. I could say I love my personal attributes, such as my mental toughness, but I love myself the same when I feel weak. I then understood the point of the exercise was to let go of feeling like my worth was conditional in any way.

Instead, I decided there are three things I love about myself: my life, my heart—which guides me—and my truth that I never need anything from anyone to be who I am. That doesn’t mean I don’t let anyone help me, but when I let go of thinking I need others to help me, I become limitless and create my world from love. When I decide I already have everything I need, then anyone who comes into my life to help me does it out of love. And when I think I need things from others, I stop being who I am in order to get them. I ignore my heart’s wishes and bend to comply with any of the conditions I think I need to meet to get what I think I need.

Trusting that I always have what I need allows help from others to come in a time and in a way that’s best for me and everyone around me.

Then I started to say three things I love about myself before getting out of bed every morning—setting the tone for me to move through my day with love and grace:

• I love my heart just because. She helps me release what isn’t me. She loves me entirely. She helps me become more of me every single day.
• I love me—all of me, exactly as I am—because I get to be here in this body, living this life, doing what I’m doing now. And there’s nowhere else I’d rather be.
• I love that I never need anything from anyone.

It’s been six years since I started prioritizing self-love. Now, I no longer need anyone to be proud of my achievements or to tell me I look great. I know I am not my appearance or my accomplishments. I am a spark of light that’s here to love myself entirely and to experience that love in all I do. And I am always worthy. ❧

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Dena Martin is a personal development mentor living in Smyrna with her three kids, Max, Clara and Sydney. She can be contacted at [email protected].